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jokes of the day:
Your Husband Lost Five Hundred Dollars at Poker:
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a
single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five
complete their playing time standing up.

One of the men looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to
tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Steve, who is always a loser, picks the
short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad
situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will
ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Steve walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the
wife answers, asks what he wants.

Steve says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Steve replies, "I'll tell him."

 

Sleeping at Church:
A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon.

The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service with her and poke him when he nods off.

The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep. When the preacher asked, 'Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?' The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, 'Oh my God!' The preacher said, 'That's correct.' And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.

He soon fell asleep again and when the preacher got to the question, 'And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?' The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, 'Jesus Christ!' And the preacher said, 'Right again.' With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act.

The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said, 'What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?' The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, 'If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!'

 

Heritage:
"How do you account for this?" the doctor asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father is the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No, sir. Our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

 














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